hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
