My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
