He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize