Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My pussy is not your playground.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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