oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
