I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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