I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
