i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
