you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
