life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my sisters under your porch take her home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she smelled like a LAN party
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
