I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
