this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
