there was a trapeze. enough said
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
