I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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