I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
