We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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