I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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