How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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