all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I still have a little drunk in my system
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
