dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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