Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
