dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
