remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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