My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
