I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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