I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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