I want to make a zoo with you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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