Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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