This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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