I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
