i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
