Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
