somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
