i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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