I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
