don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
