so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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