I think i peed on brittanys purse
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
