Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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