Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
