let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
