I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just threw up on my dentist
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
