Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize