u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
