Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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