My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
