I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm bleeding and have questions
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
