Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
