Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
