My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
