rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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