Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
