he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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