i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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