wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
