Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
