I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize