How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
