I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
