just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
