im drinking this country out of the recession.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
