so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
