Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
