I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
