How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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