please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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