I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
